The reason why I always pushed people out.
It is because all my life no matter how hard I tried, everyone keep leaving me. When I try to build trust someone, they just leave. When I try to so so hard to be what they want, they leave again. Its coming to the point I am not sure where I stand anymore. My coping mechanism is to push everyone out so I wouldn’t get myself hurt more than what I am allowing to. Right now there has been so many people in my life who is making my stomach turn with their secrets, lies, deception and just everything they are doing. Its coming to the point where I just want to stop fighting. I don’t want to leave my bed. I don’t want to wake up a little. This is coming to the point I am in crisis so I need to just go on hiatus so I can just breath before I no longer do so. I will soon let people back in when I make all my decisions straight.
Every decision I make is going to hurt everyone but the person who is hurt the most right now is me.
I know what I am doing is extremely unfair to everyone who loves me. However, its better than having me doing something that can’t be undone and will hurt everyone even more because everything in my life no matter what location in world not even america is not helping. There has been so many things I kept in and not even my significant other knows it. Its a very painful experience that I wish it never happened that is all I could say right now.