First decision of going hiatus is to cut my hair. If she can’t take it that now my hair is so short we can’t be together. I am so tired of being who I am not. I have been for a long time since I came back to thailand. I need this to get it out of my system. I needed the one thing that everyone loves to for once go away so i can restart over. 

The reason why I always pushed people out. 
It is because all my life no matter how hard I tried, everyone keep leaving me. When I try to build trust someone, they just leave. When I try to so so hard to be what they want, they leave again. Its coming to the point I am not sure where I stand anymore. My coping mechanism is to push everyone out so I wouldn’t get myself hurt more than what I am allowing to. Right now there has been so many people in my life who is making my stomach turn with their secrets, lies, deception and just everything they are doing. Its coming to the point where I just want to stop fighting. I don’t want to leave my bed. I don’t want to wake up a little. This is coming to the point I am in crisis so I need to just go on hiatus so I can just breath before I no longer do so. I will soon let people back in when I make all my decisions straight. 
Every decision I make is going to hurt everyone but the person who is hurt the most right now is me. 

I know what I am doing is extremely unfair to everyone who loves me. However, its better than having me doing something that can’t be undone and will hurt everyone even more because everything in my life no matter what location in world not even america is not helping. There has been so many things I kept in and not even my significant other knows it. Its a very painful experience that I wish it never happened that is all I could say right now. 

Hiatus from the world

In reality this is who I am the quiet one with a huge bubble filled with a big personal space. I haven’t been myself lately because I have tried so hard to make sure that someone in the other side of the world would know how things are going because I only thought she will be lonely and that so she could trust me. However, I am tired of having to feel like try so hard, so I am coming back to myself. The person who has a very huge bubble of personal space that only IF you have enough trust from me, you will be let in.

Right now with the fact I am currently on hiatus from Facebook, deleted my instagram account permanently and barely leaving any digital footprint except here. I am going to be reassessing who I really trust who I want them to be part of my life. I know it sounds like I am running away from the whole world. Yes I am because so many things has happened to me to the point where I don’t even want to deal with any of it right now. Yes I am pushing everyone out including my family. I am putting up high walls and just very very high bars right now. I know Tiia will be so pissed off with me. I know you hate the fact I am doing this but I have nothing else I could possibly do to get myself back to who I really am after not being one for a long time. 

One more honest truth, people have always been telling me that they are holding me back, fuck you guys. I know what I am doing don’t tell me what I am or am not. Have you ever asked me what I wanted before making decisions for me? I don’t think so. No one in the past year and the half have ever asked me what do I want. Its coming to the point where I am not sure I can take it anymore. Right now I need myself. I need my time. I need my last two days of freedom from everyone and everything even the people I love. This is not a punishment. This is not a test. I am very hurt myself too that is why I am taking a step back right now. 

With the best bro in Chelsea market, New York City

Organic peach from the farmer’s market ;)

sinne-ja-takaisin:

Arctic Ocean, Norway 3.8.2014

I really would love live there, one of my favorite photos and places of the trip. Water seems so clear and just perfect!

Frank Taylor founded the American history #NMAH50

cosmo-nautic:

Richard Feynman on the Beauty of a flower — zenpencils
cosmo-nautic:

Richard Feynman on the Beauty of a flower — zenpencils
cosmo-nautic:

Richard Feynman on the Beauty of a flower — zenpencils

Summer time happiness at my Bioinformatics work bench. Thinking of work and my amazing person on our special day. With my fringe cut ;)

pettry:

A little painting between work while watching Batman from Netflix. :D

pettry:

A little painting between work while watching Batman from Netflix. :D

smithsonian3d:

Our new intern Emilia 3D scanning the Nation’s T. rex at the Smithsonian’s National Museum of Natural History. Come see our team publicly scanning the T. Rex in the Rex Room weekdays from 10 - 4!

smithsonian3d:

Our new intern Emilia 3D scanning the Nation’s T. rex at the Smithsonian’s National Museum of Natural History. Come see our team publicly scanning the T. Rex in the Rex Room weekdays from 10 - 4!

Talking to aquanauts from the Aquarius live! #marinebiologistsarecool #lifeisawesome #marinebiology #awesomeness #science